I hate my son. ep 1 plot a

[The episode starts at Callum’s class]

Mr. Renaud: Alright kids, that concludes our baby-making lesson! Study it for tomorrow, because there’s a test!

Callum: Finally.

Travis: Damn fool, it’s a written test!

Callum: Oh. AAAAH! Hey, what’s that noise?

Travis: MATCHY!

[Cuts to the Augers’ house]

Zoltan: You have a test for tomorrow? Ha! Tough luck, boy. I am too busy writing fanon SpongeBob episodes to help you.

Callum: But please!

Zoltan: Nope.

Callum: But-

Zoltan: CALLUM CAN’T YOU SEE I’M WRITING FANON SPONGEBOB EPISODES???!!!

Callum: Fine. I will get help from Vanessa.

Zoltan: Okay, I don’t really care.

Callum: [walks over to Vanessa] Hey, can you give me tips on studying for a test tomorrow?

Vanessa: Well, as a cactus, I never went to school. However, when I have to concentrate, I try to think I’m dying in the infamous Cactuses-Humans war of 2006. So many dead cactuses…..

Callum: Erm, ok……...I’m gonna go ask Crazy what he thinks. [he goes to his garden, where Crazy is]

Crazy: Meow, meow, meow.

Callum: Hey Crazy! Do you want to help me study?

Crazy: Meow, I’m a dog. And also 12 years old.

[a laugh track plays in the background]

Callum: Well yeah, but we sent you to school, right?

Crazy: No.

Callum: I won’t feed you if you don’t at least try to help me.

[Crazy scratches Callum’s face]

Callum: DAD!!!

Zoltan (from the house): What

Callum: Crazy isn’t helping me, and he hurt me!

Zoltan (from the house): He’s a cat, you idiot.

Crazy: I am a CrazySponge.

Callum: Didn’t you say you were a dog?

Crazy: I am a coyote.

Callum: I guess I’ll have to ask Prim….. [he goes to Golf and Cici’s garden, where Prim is, eating lasagna]

Callum: Hey!

Prim: Meow, what the heck do you want?

Callum: Can you help me study?

Prim: No.

Callum: Please!

Prim: No.

Callum: Please!

Prim: No.

Callum: Please!

Prim: NO! I am eating lasagna!

Callum: Just tell me tips on how to study while eating!

Prim: Fine…...you see, when I have to study, I just eat lasagna, and it helps me study!

Callum: You always eat lasagna, you fat cat! And you never study. You fat cat.

Prim: Go away, I’m eating lasagna!

Callum: You always eat las- [gets cut off by Prim]

Prim: You said that already.

Callum: Fine, I will go.

Prim: Wait! Maybe I could give you some lasagna to help you study……..IF you give me 100 dollars.

Callum: Okay, first of all, does lasagna REALLY help you study?

Prim: Albert Einstein ate lasagna.

Callum: Really?

Prim: I don’t know, but lasagna helps me concentrate.

Callum: Ok…….but why do you need 100 dollars?

Prim: To buy more lasagna!

Callum: *sigh* Fine. I will steal 100 dollars from my dad!

[A laugh track plays in the background]

Prim: Good.

Callum: I will be back soon with the money. [sneaks back into the Auger household]

Zoltan: What are you doing, Callum?

Callum: Uhh… I’m searching for my… [looks around the house] pen.

Zoltan: Okay……

[Callum runs to Zoltan’s room]

Callum: Here it is! All of my father’s money! Let’s see, 10, 20, 30, uh, I’ll just take all and Prim will count it. [gets the money, opens the window, and jumps from it to Golf and Cici’s garden]

Prim: Why?

Callum: To show off, duh. Anyways, I have all of my dad’s money, count it. [throws it at Prim]

Prim: I wasn’t made for counting! I was made for eating lasagna! Let’s see here…….101 dollars? Wow your dad is broke.

Callum: He spent a lot of money on his computer that can run a SpongeBob fansite.

Prim: I don’t really care. Here is your dollar. [gives it to him]

Callum: Thank you. Wait a second…….that means my dad only has one dollar now!

Prim: Yes. Here are your many lasagnas. [gives Callum one crumb of lasagna]

Callum: What? One crumb? That is too little! Get here you dirty cat! [chases him to the other side of the garden]

Prim: WOAH! Calm down! My stomach couldn’t wait one more second to eat lasagna!

Callum: [stops] WAIT! Golf and Cici!

Prim: Yeah…….they’re kind of busy.

Callum: DANG IT! I guess I’ll just have to try to study on my own. But I’ll probably get an F. Wait, I feel like there’s someone near me who can still help me……

CartoonGuy: [appears out of nowhere] ME! ME! I want to be in the episode!

Callum: Nah. [goes back into his house]

Italian Narrator who has a voice strangely similar to CartoonGuy’s: The next day……

[Callum is with Mr. Renaud and his classmates in his class]

Callum: Now what? What should I do now?

Travis: Did you not study? Ha. I am an expert on this subject, of course.

[A laugh track plays in the background]

Callum: Well, I’m screwed.

Mr. Renaud: Okay kids, we can finally start!

Callum: *sigh* Okay...

Italian Narrator who has a voice strangely similar to CartoonGuy’s: A few days later….

[Callum is with Mr. Renaud and his classmates in his class]

Mr. Renaud: Ok kids, here are the grades…….first off, Matchy. You didn’t answer a single question, and focused on doing degenerate stuff instead. You get a Z-. Can I get your underwear?

Matchy: No.

Mr. Renaud: Ok then, you are expelled. Next, Travis. You also get a Z-. You wrote a horrendous story about religion and……..you are getting expelled for it.

Travis: Damn hypocrite. I bet you write worse stuff about us.

Mr. Renaud: And finally, Callum…...you were the best!

Callum: YES!

Mr. Renaud: You got an F.

Callum: WHAT? Well, that was expected….. [starts crying]

Mr. Renaud: Callum stop!

Travis: Yeah, F is still good…..for my standards.

Callum: [crying] Please, Mr. Renaud! Let me rewrite it!

Mr. Renaud: No, if you studied instead of jack- wait that’s Matchy. So, if you studied instead of playing with your dog, who is a cat, who is a CrazySponge, who is a coyote, then you could’ve got an A.

Callum: But… [continues crying]

Mr. Renaud: Enough! Go to the Principal’s office!

Callum: [gets up, gets out of the classroom, and grins for a second, before starting to cry again and going into the principal’s office]

Spongefan: Callum! What are you crying about?

Callum: It’s just……..I studied so hard for this test…….and I got an F…….Mr. Renaud sent me here for crying, and I…...I’m…...I’m sorry, but-[continues crying]

Spongefan: [starts crying] OH I GET YOU, CALLUM! THIS IS SO UNFAIR! YOU POOR THING! IT’S NOT FAIR! You…...you remind me of me……..and you get an A+! [continues crying uncontrollably] You can go home…...

Callum: [stops crying and grins, then leaves the Principal’s office and starts laughing. He leaves the school]

Zoltan (offscreen): CALLUM! MY MONEY!

Callum: WAIT, I CAN EXPLAIN! I-

Zoltan: [runs towards him] I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

Callum: [starts running away] AAARGH!

[Cuts to the Augers’ househould’s garden and zooms to Crazy]

Crazy: Ah yes, my family.

Callum (offscreen): AAAAAH! HELP!