Attack!

[The episode begins with a shot of the FANDOM building]

Offscreen chorus: ♪FANDOM Evil Incorporateeeeeed♪

[We see the inside of the FANDOM building, where an employee is walking towards a door with a sing that says "Mr. DOM". The employee opens the door, and inside the room we see FANDOM owner FAN DOM sitting at his desk and using his computer]

FANDOM employee: Mr. DOM?

FAN DOM: One second! I'm globalling someone for something offensive they said two months ago!

FANDOM employee: Did the penguin guy report it?

FAN DOM: Yeah, he's a real miracle worker. Now, what did you want to tell me?

FANDOM employee: Well, I found a wiki that might interest you. It's called "Supreme Leader Squidward Wiki Wiki".

FAN DOM: Wiki Wiki? Oh, he's one of THOSE people. Like, why do those people think you have to put Wiki in the wiki's name? If that were the case, there would be a million wikis without Wiki in their name. Anyways, what's this wiki about?

FANDOM employee: Well, from what I've seen, erm.......you know Bikini Bottom, right?

FAN DOM: Yeah, I've been there once. Terrible place.

FANDOM employee: Well, it seems one day everyone in Bikini Bottom got sick. Like, really sick. To the point where humans put glass walls over the city.

FAN DOM: No way.

FANDOM employee: It's true! There are pictures of it on the wiki!

FAN DOM: Hold on.......[clicks for a while on the computer] holy UCP, you are actually right!

FANDOM employee: Well, Squidward, who seems to be the creator of the wiki SquidwardDaBest, made a cult out of the situation. This wiki is basically about the cult.

FAN DOM: Jesus Christ! This is outrageous!

FANDOM employee: I know! He's a terrible per-

FAN DOM: This wiki is toxic! I will close it down and global the creator immediately!

FANDOM employee: Well...........yeah, of course, but..........don't you think we should give this guy a harsher punishment?

FAN DOM: You want me to hire him?

FANDOM employee: No! I think a situation like this should get the US government involved! You know them, right?

FAN DOM: Of course I do! Last time I saw them, we got drunk with the Area 51 aliens! We ended up almost crashing our faster than normal, enormous, black, and overall very cool-looking flying vehicle.

FANDOM employee: It doesn't have a name, huh?

FAN DOM: No, what's wrong with calling it a faster than normal, enormous, black, and overall very cool-looking flying vehicle?

FANDOM employee: Just call the government.

FAN DOM: [picks up his phone and calls someone] HEEEEEEEY! How you doing? *gasp* Your father died? Oh that's terrible, my condolences. Anyways, Bikini Bottom has been turned into a cult full of sick people and also the humans put glass walls over it or something. So go stop the cult with the faster than normal, enormous, black, and overall very cool-looking flying vehicle. Ok bye. [hangs up the phone] By the way, you're fired.

FANDOM employee: WHAT?!

FAN DOM: Look, it's just that........I don't think your personality is fit for FANDOM.

FANDOM employee: Of course it isn't! I'm not a complete idiot! You know what, thank you! Working for this company for longer would have ruined my life! I'm going to go work for Miraheze, which is much better than this piece of-

FAN DOM: AAAAAH! I SENSE CRITICISM! [puts on headphones] WORKERS! THIS GUY'S FIRED! KICK HIM OUT!

[A bunch of other FANDOM employees appear out of nowhere and grab the FANDOM employee]

FANDOM employee: I HATE YOU MR. DOM!

The other FANDOM employees: *gasp* [after a moment of silence, they throw him out of the window]

[Cuts to the cult, where Squidward comes out of his bathroom, running towards his desk and sitting on his chair]

Squidward: BACK TO WORK! [uses his computer] Wait.....*COUGH*.........what? What is..........no.........[he keeps using it] NOOOOOOO! GLOBALLED?! MY WIKI IS CLOSED?! *COUGH* AAAAAAAAAAA-

French Narrator: A few minutes later.........

[Squidward is in his room with every cult member apart from those in the vents]

Squidward: Ladies and gentlefish, I have called you all here today to *COUGH* discuss something very important. As some of you may have *COUGH* noticed........MY BEAUTIFUL WIKI WAS *COUGH* CLOSED! MY ACCOUNT WAS GLOBALLED! You all know what we must *COUGH* do......

Dr. Gill Gilliam: No we do not.

Squidward: We must attack the FANDOM *COUGH* building!

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Pfff........*COUGH*..........welp.

Squidward: Get your weapons or whatever ready, because we're going to *COUGH get some boats and attack FANDOM! The only ones staying *COUGH* here will be the two guards guarding the *COUGH* cult.

[Cut to the vents]

Hoopla: That's what you *COUGH* think. Hehehehehehe.

Junior: This is perfect! They'll leave the cult to *COUGH* us!

Floyd: What are we going to *COUGH* do?

Lloyd: Something better than living with you, that's for *COUGH* sure!

Floyd: Oh shut up, you short *COUGH* obese loser!

Lloyd: At least I don't scare kids *COUGH* away!

Floyd: At least I didn't fall down the stairs on the *COUGH* first day of high school!

Lloyd: You pushed me!

Floyd: I-

Hoopla: FOR GOD'S SAKE WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP *COUGH* ALREADY?!

Junior: Thank you.

Patrick: What came before, the chicken or the *COUGH* egg?

[Everyone stares weirdly at Patrick]

Gary: Meow?

Patrick: Huh? What's going *COUGH* on?

Gary: Meow meow meow, meow *COUGH* meow meow.

Patrick: Squidward is going to attack the FANDOM building? Wow.....*COUGH*.......what's FANDOM?

Hoopla: I explained it-you know what maybe it's best for my sanity if I ignore you *COUGH* guys.

Floyd: Rude.

[Cut to outside the cult, where Squidward in a boat with rocks]

Squidward: It's been a while since I last drove, apparently running over *COUGH* people is enough get your license revoked. Let's see if I've still *COUGH* got it. [he starts driving and immediately hits a house] Oops. Wait a minute......*COUGH*......

[The episode zooms in a shot of the house's mailbox, which says "Fred Rechid"]

Squidward: FRED RECHID?! [He starts throwing rocks at Fred's mailbox, and we see a shot of other cult members behind him in boats with rocks]

Nat Peterson: Fred? I remember *COUGH* him! He was a cool dude.

Squidward: COOL DUDE?! HE WAS THE *COUGH* WORST! [he rips out Fred's mailbox] Hey, this could be a good *COUGH* weapon.

Nancy Suzy Fish: Why do you *COUGH* hate him, supreme lord Squidward?

Squidward: Oh well let's see......well for starters he told the police I was *COUGH* RUNNING OVER PEOPLE after he tried to MURDER ME and even *COUGH* TIED ME TO A ROCKET! That's why I got my license revoked.

French Narrator: Yes, that's what happened after Squid's on the Road. It's nice referencing old episodes, even if they are bad. Like, did you know CartoonGuy doesn't like season 1? Because he doesn't like season 1. And did you know-

Dr. Gill Gilliam: What ever happened to *COUGH* him?

Squidward: He, uh, he auditioned for The Coronas' flag and ended up throwing himself out of the *COUGH* window.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: He threw himself out of the *COUGH* window?

Squidward: Yes.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Sure he did.

Squidward: Let's just go to the *COUGH* FANDOM building. [he goes in the boat with Fred's mailbox, which he puts with the rocks] Now, we're off to New Kelp City!

[The cult members start driving with the boats, as epic music plays and Squidward nearly crashes into other houses]

[Cut to the cult, where the people in the vents get out of the vents and go in Squidward's room]

Hoopla: Okay, now we will......*COUGH*.........uuuhh......

Lloyd: No comment.

Floyd: What he *COUGH* said.

Hoopla: Ugh. Well, we have this whole place to ourselves, we're trying to *COUGH* overthrow Squidward's rule, and we have no idea how to *COUGH* do that. Great.

Junior: Maybe Old Man Jenkins can *COUGH* help us.

Hoopla: That's right! Old Man Jenkins! He'll *COUGH* help us!

Junior: And how about we throw my dad's *COUGH* computer out of the window.

Hoopla: Why not. [he throws the computer on the floor and clicks the button, throwing it out of the window]

[Cut to the computer flying in the sky, and then to the people who were in the island last episode, who are using Bubble Bass as a boat]

Dennis: A computer?

Squilvia: WHAT?! How will I live without a computer?! I can't edit my *COUGH* son's pictures to look better so I can get social media appreciation!

Shubie: Squidward is an enigma.

Fred: No, he's just an idiotic *COUGH* jerk.

SpongeBob: He will pay for what he did to Mermaid Man and *COUGH* Barnacle Boy!

Bubble Bass: Right you are! They are comic book *COUGH* legends!

Con man: How long till we get back home? My bath water needs to be *COUGH* bought!

Bubble Bass: These kind of adventures are usually shorter in comic books. Like, this one *COUGH* comic book, has the main character-

Squilvia: Shut up *COUGH* fatso!

Bubble Bass: The disrespect! I am a *COUGH* very good boat. *sneezes*

[Cut to Squidward and the cult members exiting Bikini Bottom on their boats by passing a sign saying "Welcome to Bikini Bottom  Population: 538". They keep on driving]

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Goodbye Bikini Bottom. Will we *COUGH* come back alive? Only time will tell.

Squidward: Be positive, doc! We will completely destroy the *COUGH* FANDOM building! And while we're at it, why don't destroy all of New Kelp City? I henever *COUGH* liked that place. We'll destroy it, and then we can go back to The Coronas, where everyone will bow to their *COUGH* supreme leader: Squidward Tentacles!

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Oh boy. I hate all of *COUGH* this.

Squidward: *sneezes* What?

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Uh, I just said, I don't have a *COUGH* niece!

Squidward: ..........*COUGH*.........As a reminder to all of you: do what I say, and you're good. Do something I don't like, and you could end up *COUGH* getting hit with a rock, or a mailbox, or thrown out of the *COUGH* window, or even........[he quickly takes out a gun and points it at Dr. Gill Gilliam while still driving with one hand without looking] SHOT!

Dr. Gill Gilliam: AARGH! [he panics, takes off his seatbelt quickly, and jumps off his boat, resulting in the boat behind him crashing into his boat, and the boat behind that boat crashing into it, and so on]

Squidward: What the hell?! You *COUGH* buffoons! Well, at least nothing bad happened to Squidwa-

[Squidward's boat trips on a rock on the road and flies offscreen, an explosion is heard]

[The camera shows a shot of the boat in flames, and then a shot of Squidward with his rocks and Fred's mailbox, coughing near the boat]

Squidward: Phew. Good thing I wasn't wearing a seatbelt and fell off the *COUGH* boat, otherwise I would have been too injured to *COUGH* cause mass destruction in New Kelp City.

French Narrator: Remember kids: if you're on your way to cause mass destruction, do not wear seatbelts!

[Cut to the cult, where Hoopla and the rest are in Squidward's bathroom]

Patrick: Finally! [he pulls down his pants]

Hoopla: PATRICK NO! We will use the toilet to *COUGH* go to the sewers!

Patrick: Oh.........*COUGH*..........so do I do it in the sink?

French Narrator: 10 minutes we won't speak of ever again later.....

[Hoopla and the rest are in the sewers, and Patrick has his pants on]

Hoopla: We will never mention those *COUGH* 10 minutes again.

Gary: *COUGH* Meow.

Patrick: Indeed.

Hoopla: Now, if I recall correctly, Old Man Jenkins mentioned *COUGH* jail cells, and if he never came out of the toilet, I can only assume Squidward *COUGH* imprisoned him!

Junior: But how do we find the *COUGH* jail cells?

Old Man Jenkins (offscreen): ♪Oh, elders are your better 'cause we're *COUGH* older!♪ DARN IT! That coughing ruined my *COUGH* song!

Hoopla: They're not far!

[They start running, but Patrick, who has Gary in his arms, stops at a door]

Patrick: WOW!

[The others stop]

Patrick: Such a good *COUGH* doorknob!

[The others go back to where Patrick is]

Hoopla: Patrick, I think the jail cells could be in *COUGH* here! [he opens the door and they go in, and they all gasp at the long hallway with jail cells]

Lloyd: Wow.........*COUGH*..........this is the place Floyd should be in after his countless crimes.

Floyd: Lloyd, I'm selling you on the *COUGH* black market.

Lloyd: Oh.

Junior: Old Man Jenkins? Are you *COUGH* there?

Patrick: OLD PERSON! OLD PERSON! WHERE *COUGH* ARE YOU?!

Gary: Meow.

Patrick: He can't hear well?

Gary: [keeps going through the hallway, until he reaches a jail cell with Old Man Jenkins inside] Meow!

Patrick: You round him?

[Everyone goes to the jail cell and sees Old Man Jenkins]

Old Man Jenkins: That darn *COUGH* Squidward! He- [notices the cult members] AARGH! UGLY PEOPLE!

Hoopla: Look Old Man Jenkins, you have to help us! We have this whole place to *COUGH* ourselves, and we don't know what to do, but if we don't do something, the future of Bikini Bottom could be *COUGH* bad!

Old Man Jenkins: I'm not doing anything until I *COUGH* get out of here! And I want to drink! And eat! That darn octopus promised to feed me, and *COUGH* never did! I even died!

Hoopla: Alright, we just have to *COUGH* find the key, and then we'll set you free.

Patrick: Hey Gary, nice key you've *COUGH* got there.

[Shot of Gary with the key in his mouth]

Hoopla: Gary! [he gets the key] How did you *COUGH* find this?

Gary: Meow meow meow, *COUGH* meow meow meow meow meow.

Patrick: At the end of the *COUGH* hallway?

Old Man Jenkins: SET ME FREE YOU *COUGH* MILLENIALS!

Hoopla: Uh yes sir! [opens the jail cell]

[Cut to Squidward, who is in Dr. Gill Gilliam's injured boat, driving with the other injured boats]

Squidward: How far is *COUGH* New Kelp City?

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Uh, here!

Squidward: EVERYONE STOP!

[The boats stop]

Squidward: Prepare to attack with your guns, rocks, and in my case with *COUGH* Fred's mailbox too! This is gonna be good!

Dr. Gill Gilliam: We're all going to *COUGH* die.

[Cut to the cult, where Old Man Jenkins is eating]

Old Man Jenkins: Finally, food!

Hoopla: Okay now, any ideas on what to do to try to prevent the *COUGH* bad future Bikini Bottom could have?

Old Man Jenkins: I-Wait.....*COUGH*.........my government sense is tingling......

[Cut to the people that were once in the island]

Squilvia: How much more will we have to wait before returning to *COUGH* Bikini Bottom?

Dennis: Who knows? The important thing is, we're *COUGH* getting closer.

Bubble Bass: This would make for a *COUGH* good comic book.