Guess Who's Back, Back Again

[The episode starts with a shot of the cult from outside, and then we see everyone together inside]

Squidward: Greetings. You're probably wondering why I *COUGH* called you all here. *sneezes* Oh boy, this virus is killing me. ANYWAYS, I have some news. The good news is, my *COUGH* son went missing. The bad news is, he could reveal some private stuff about me that CANNOT be known. The other good news *COUGH* is, YOU WILL BE SEARCHING FOR HIM! Hooray! Go *COUGH* search.

[Everyone in the room leaves except for Squidward and Dr. Gill Gilliam]

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Sir, two other cult members have *COUGH* died from this virus.

Squidward: WHAT?! WHO?!

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.

Squidward: Wow, that is........*COUGH*...........GREAT! Those two could have easily teamed up against *COUGH* me. I did take Barnacle Boy's place once. However, now that I think about it, people could start getting suspicious after *COUGH* two more people died..........look, put their bodies in a bag and give the bag to me. If people *COUGH* ask, tell them you can't reveal what's inside. I will throw the bag out of the *COUGH* window. It must be done.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: .........*COUGH*..........No.

Squidward: Excuse me?

Dr. Gill Gilliam: That's despicable.

Squidward: And? Do you think you can do anything about it? People won't believe *COUGH* you if you tell them. And if they do, i'll just deny it and say you made that up. Besides, no one can come in this *COUGH* room without my permission, or leave the cult. I have guards, remember? Now go get me the *COUGH* bodies.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: ............*COUGH*.................[walks out of the room]

Squidward: Stupid doctor, I don't pay him to have independent thoughts. Oh wait, I *COUGH* DON'T PAY HIM AT ALL! Ha. Ha. Ha.

[His bathroom door opens, and Old Man Jenkins comes out of it]

Old Man Jenkins: YOU!

Squidward: AAARGH! DON'T HURT ME! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!

Old Man Jenkins: Of course I was dead! You troublemaking weak kids can't even come back from the dead! Back in my day, people worked HARD and became STRONG and could come back from the DEAD. But now instead of working hard you just work on saving princesses on those darn technology games! *COUGH* Oh, not again! *sneezes*

Squidward: I-um.......how and why did you *COUGH* come here?

Old Man Jenkins: Well, I woke up and immediately realized I was buried alive, as it's not the *COUGH* first time it happened. I dug my way to the sewers and came here from the toilet to do *COUGH* this: [slaps Squidward extremely hard in the face]

Squidward: AAAAAAAARGH! *COUGH* WHYYYYY?!

Old Man Jenkins: For burying me alive, of course! You're just like everyone else from *COUGH* generations after mine, STUPID! Now, since I owned this cult once, I think I have the right to go away from this *COUGH* place.

Squidward: You WHAT?!

Old Man Jenkins: I used to own this place with my friend, Josh. We *COUGH* even had a few jail cells to put troublemakers in. Those were the days. But Josh kept putting *COUGH* technological stuff, and one day, he put a button on the desk! I asked him what it was for, and he tricked me into *COUGH* getting thrown out of a window by it! I landed on a completely deserted *COUGH* island, and I swam for days, until I made it back to Bikini Bottom. I then got my revenge, throwing *COUGH* Josh out of the window and letting the members of that place be free! It was too technological for my *COUGH* liking.

Squidward: You mean the people I threw out of the window are *COUGH* on a deserted island?! AND WHERE EVEN ARE THE JAIL CELLS?!

Old Man Jenkins: DON'T YELL AT YOUR ELDERS! FOLLOW ME!

[They go into the bathroom]

Old Man Jenkins: Go into the toilet!

Squidward: What?

Old Man Jenkins: You *COUGH* heard me!

Squidward: [gets into the toilet] Eeew.

Old Man Jenkins: [flushes the toilet]

Squidward: AAAAAARGH!

Old Man Jenkins: [jumps into the toilet and flushes it]

[Old Man Jenkins falls on top of Squidward in the sewers]

Old Man Jenkins: Soft landing. [jumps away from Squidward]

Squidward: *COUGH* Ouch.

[Cuts to two guards protecting Squidward's room's door]

Dr. Gill Gilliam: [walks up to them with a bag] Hello, Squidward sent me to get this *COUGH* bag for him.

Guard 1: You are trusted, so you may *COUGH* enter.

[The guards go away from the door, and Dr. Gill Gilliam goes in the room]

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Hello? Squidward? Where *COUGH* are you? *sneezes* Well, I'm just gonna leave this bag here. [leaves the bag on the floor]

Hoopla (offscreen): Hey, up here.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Uh? Who said that?

Hoopla (offscreen): I'm in the *COUGH* vents!

Dr. Gill Gilliam: [looks up] Who are you?

Hoopla: My name's Hoopla, and I've been in the vents for a few *COUGH* days. Let's get to the point: you hate Squidward, right?

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Of course I do! The guy's a *COUGH* jerk, and a-

Hoopla: Yeah yeah, he's a bad person. Look, I think he got flushed down the toilet with *COUGH* Old Man Jenkins who came back from the dead or something. Well, I have a plan to kill him.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Woah woah woah, slow down there. You want to *COUGH* kill him?

Hoopla: YES! It's for the greater good! The future of Bikini *COUGH* Bottom is in our hands!

Dr. Gill Gilliam: *sigh* I guess you're right.......*COUGH*.........so how are we gonna kill him?

Hoopla: [grins]

[Cuts to Squidward and Old Man Jenkins in the sewers]

Squidward: We've been walking for a long time, my *COUGH* feet are starting to hurt.

Old Man Jenkins: You lazy kids can't even walk for a few *COUGH* minutes! [he passes in front of a door] There! [opens the door and goes in with Squidward, and there's a long hallway of jail cells]

Squidward: WOAH! You used to put people in these cells?

Old Man Jenkins: Yep! Anyone who dared to disrespect me went straight into *COUGH* prison! There's even a key to all the cells at the end of the hallway!

Squidward: [runs, gets the key, and goes back] Does this really open every *COUGH* cell?

Old Man Jenkins: Yep!

Squidward: Let's test it, shall we? [he opens a cell, pushed Old Man Jenkins inside of it, and locks him]

Old Man Jenkins: HEY! RESPECT YOUR *COUGH* ELDERS! LET ME GO!

Squidward: Oh shut up old man. I'm keeping you here for your useful information about this *COUGH* place. And yes, I'll feed you and give you water, etc. Bye now! [walks away]

Old Man Jenkins: YOU'LL REGRET THIS, SONNY! Darn *COUGH* millennials!

[bubble transition, Squidward goes back to his room]

Squidward: *sneezes* Oh man, that was weird. Hey, the doc left the *COUGH* bag here! Throwing time-wait..........THE DESERTED ISLAND! What if there are still *COUGH* people there, and they make it back to Bikini Bottom, and they tell everyone about what's inside the bag! [sits on his desk chair] Mmmmmhhh.........*COUGH*..........what to do.........

Dr. Gill Gilliam: [goes into the room with a glass of a green liquid in his hand] SQUIDWARD!

Squidward: AAARGH! [he moves around randomly and ends up hitting the button. The bag gets thrown out of the window] NOOOOOOO! *COUGH* DAMN YOU DOC!

[The bag is in the air, and it falls on the deserted island, on Fred's leg]

Fred: MY LEG!

Shubie Peterson: EEEEEW! Do you say that when you *COUGH* poop too?!

Fred: What? No! What makes you say *COUGH* that?

Shubie Peterson: The smell!

Fred: It's not me! It's coming from *COUGH* this bag!

Dennis: Hey! I know that smell.........*COUGH*..........[he grabs the bag and smells it] oh...........there's one or two dead bodies in here.

Everyone else: *gasps*

Dennis: [opens the bag and looks into it, but we can't see what's inside] Oh........*COUGH*.........Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.......

SpongeBob: WHAAAAAAAAT?! You're kidding, right? This must be one of your *COUGH* sick murderer jokes! THERE IS NO WAY MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY'S DEAD BODIES ARE *COUGH* IN THERE! THEY ARE NOT DEAD! You're joking.....right? Please, tell me you're *COUGH* joking.

Dennis: SpongeBob, I am not joking. Mermaid Man and Barnacle *COUGH* Boy died, Squidward put their dead bodies in a bag, and he *COUGH* threw them out of his window or whatever you people told me he had.

SpongeBob: Ha, ha, ha. HAHAHAHAAHHAHAA! HA! *COUGH* GRRRRRRREEEEAAAAAT! JUUUUST GREAT! You know what else will be *COUGH* great? MURDERING THAT OCTOPUS! WE ARE GOING BACK TO *COUGH* BIKINI BOTTOM RIGHT NOW! BUBBLE FAT! YOU'LL BE OUR *COUGH* BOAT!

Bubble Bass: I have seen scenarios like this one in *COUGH* comic books before. The hero becomes angry after-

SpongeBob: Shut up!

Bubble Bass: Very well then. [goes on the water and floats]

SpongeBob: [jumps on his belly] COME EVERYONE! We have to kick *COUGH* Squidward's-

Squilvia: I'm in!

Harold: Me too!

Fred: Me LEG! I mean, me *COUGH* three!

Dennis: Hold on, everyone! We need *COUGH* food!

SpongeBob: [jumps on the island and gets coconut from trees. He puts the coconuts in his holes] There! Food!

Dennis: Good plan.

[Everyone that's still on the deserted island gets on Bubble Bass]

Anchovy: Meep.

Tom: LET'S GOOOOOO!

Con man: I wonder if Squidward would buy my *COUGH* bath water.

[Everyone stares at him with a disturbed face]

Con man: What?

[Cuts to Squidward's room, where Squidward is panicking on the floor]

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Jesus Christ, didn't you want that bag to be *COUGH* thrown?

Squidward: Shut up! [gets up] Why did you come *COUGH* here?

Dr. Gill Gilliam: What I have in my hand will stop your *COUGH* sickness!

Squidward: How do you know?

Dr. Gill Gilliam: It's simple science, really. This is the only amount of *COUGH* the liquid I could find, and I want YOU to drink it!

Squidward: Me?

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Of course, Supreme Leader Squidward!

Squidward: Supreme Leader Squidward, eh? Give me the *COUGH* glass!

[Dr. Gill Gilliam gives him the glass]

Squidward: This is probably awful, but I haven't tasted anything in a *COUGH* while, and I have no idea why. [he's about to start drinking, but he sneezes] EEEEW! [throws the glass at the wall]

Dr. Gill Gilliam: WHAT THE HELL?!

Squidward: I am NOT drinking something I *COUGH* sneezed on! [picks up his phone and clicks on it] Heh.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: What are you *COUGH* laughing about?

Squidward: Oh, nothing. Someone posted something funny on the *COUGH* World War Fanon Wiki Discord server.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: .........*COUGH*.........what?

Squidward: Oh right, you're old. Well, umh.......*COUGH*......Discord is an app where you talk with people, and you can make a server to talk with *COUGH* multiple people. I laughed at something posted in a-WAIT A *COUGH* MINUTE! YOU GAVE ME A WONDERFUL IDEA, DOC! I WILL MAKE A WIKI AND A DISCORD SERVER ABOUT THIS *COUGH* PLACE! THEY WILL ALL WORSHIP ME! Go away now, I have wikis and Discord servers to *COUGH* create! Don't EVER come in here because I will be busy, and you all will be too because I will force everyone to *COUGH* join!

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Barnacles.

[bubble transition, we see Dr. Gill Gilliam in his office while looking at the vents]

Dr. Gill Gilliam: We are screwed.

Hoopla (in the vents): Yep, we are. Maybe some sleep will give me good *COUGH* ideas. Welp, see ya.

[Hoopla crawls in the vents and eventually finds Floyd, Lloyd, Patrick, Gary, and Junior]

Junior: So, we're screwed?

Hoopla: 100%.

Floyd: That reminds me of the time I *COUGH* had a screwdriver in my butt!

Lloyd: Oh yeah, I put it there while you weren't *COUGH* looking!

Floyd: YOU WHAT?!

Gary: [bites Floyd]

Floyd: AAAAARGH!

Patrick: Gary! [he grabs him] Don't bite the *COUGH* annoying dude.

Gary: Meow.

Floyd: The what?!