I hate my son. episode 2

[The episode starts with Cici going in his and Golf’s house with a mattress]

Golf: Where have you been?! What have you got there?! Is that a mattress?!

Cici: Yes, it’s a mattress. I got it off Craigslist, in a forest!

Golf: Craiglist in a forest? What forest?! Are you crazy?!

[Crazy appears out of nowhere]

Crazy: You called?

Golf: No.

Crazy: o [goes away]

Cici: What’s the matter, Golf?

Golf: That mattress is the enemy of the people!

Cici: What do you have against the mattress?

Golf: I just don’t think you should go frolicking in some unnamed forest to pick up this piece of evil! Beds are unproductive!

Cici: It’s called Wogonana forest.

Smooth voiceover: [chuckles] Hey, kids, don’t search that one up.

Golf: That sounds pretty cool. I WAS HACKED!

Cici: Uh, sure. Well, I’m going to replace the old mattress!

[The camera zooms in Golf’s face with dramatic music]

Golf: No.

[Cut to Callum in his garden, holding his hand near his ear like he was listening]

Callum: Wogonana forest? Sounds pretty cool.

Zoltan: [comes out of his house] WHO SAID COOL?!

Callum: Dad, can I go to Wogonana forest with Travis and Matchy?

Zoltan: Uh, whatever will make you go away.

Callum: Wait, you need to come to supervise us!

Zoltan: Why?

Callum: Well, Travis and Matchy’s parents have jobs that aren’t writing SpongeBob fanfiction all day.

Zoltan: Well, if you go missing, your friends will too, and their parents might get angry…..*sigh* fine, I’ll do it.

[Cut to Callum, Travis, Matchy, and Zoltan at the forest, and they have backpacks]

Zoltan: Alright, what do you want to do now?

Matchy: Well… [gets cby Zoltan]

Zoltan: I was talking to my stupid son, classturbator.

Callum: Well, explore maybe?

Zoltan: Explore my ass.

Callum: Dad!

Zoltan: What? I was telling them to join Zoltan’s Ass! [Cheesy commercial music plays]

Callum: Just…come with us…

Zoltan: Wait, I gotta drink first!

Callum: Then drink fast!

[Zoltan takes some beer out of his backpack and drinks it all quickly]

Callum: I didn’t know you drank beer…

Zoltan: You *hiccups* don’t know much about me then.

Callum: Uh…then let’s…go?

Matchy: I think he’s too drunk.

Travis: What a great father you have, Callum.

[Zoltan faints from the beer, but the kids go without noticing him]

Smooth voiceover: Man, those kids are dead!

[Cut to the kids having gone deeper into the forest, walking]

Callum: What have you guys got in your backpacks? I’ve got some water and Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz HD.

Travis: Damn fool, we’re in a forest!

Callum: I’ll just admire it! Oh, and I’ve got a picture of Halle Berry.

Travis: Water Sex.

Matchy: What?

Travis: Water Sex. I have only got the entire script of Water Sex.

Matchy: Well, I’m prepared in case we get lost. I’ve got water, even food, and some spare socks.

Travis: I wonder what you need the socks for.

[Travis and Callum laugh]

Matchy: Shut up Travis!

Callum: You better not let us get lost, dad. …….Dad?

[The kids turn around and see Zoltan has disappeared]

Matchy: Ha! I’m prepared and you’re not!

Callum: We are so dead.

Travis: Wait!

Callum and Matchy: What?

Travis: We can read Water Sex!

Callum: No.

Matchy: Same as Callum. Speaking of water, I think I hear a lake!

Travis: And?

Callum: Wait….I think I see a house in the distance! It looks sort of like a house a witch would live in, but it could be our only hope! Let’s go!

Matchy: I see it too!

Travis: Me too!

[They run towards the house while epic music plays, but they stop along with the music when they see a lake full of rocks in their way]

Callum: Oh crap.

Matchy: Poop.

Travis: I think we can just jump over it. I mean it’s not too large.

Matchy: See Travis, when it’s not about me masturbating in class or Water Sex, you can say something useful.

Travis: Blasted buffoon, my words are always useful.

Callum: So, are we gonna jump over it?

Travis: Well, I’m too good to die, so let’s test my theory with you.

Callum: Uh…why not Matchy?

Matchy: Hey!

Travis: Who am I gonna make classturbator jokes about then?

Callum: *gulp* Fine. [a thought bubble appears from his head, and Zoltan is in it]

Thought bubble Zoltan: Don’t do it, Callum!

Callum: Or else?

Thought bubble Zoltan: I won’t feed you!

Callum: You say that like you’re feeding me.

Smooth voiceover: Maaaaaaan, Zoltan is such an hilarious bad father! So much so we can overlook how messed up Callum will be as an adult because of him!

Thought bubble Zoltan: Just don’t do it.

Callum: Eh, I will do it anyways. Although, if I fall, who knows what would happen to the sh-

Travis: Stop talking to yourself and jump!

Callum: Okay… [prepares to jump]

Travis: JUMP ALREADY!

Callum: *sigh*

[He jumps in slow motion]

Callum (in slow motion): AAAAAARGH!

[The speed then returns to normal as he safely lands on the other side]

Callum: …...Wait, I’m alive?

Travis: Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? Anyways, come on Matchy, we have to be rescued by a witch.

[Travis hears weird sounds]

Travis: Matchy!

Matchy: Uh…you jump first.

Travis: Okay. [jumps over the lake]

Matchy: Alright! Here it goes! [jumps but falls in the lake] Aah! Help!

Travis: Matchy! Grab my hand!

[Matchy grabs Travis’ hand and gets out of the lake visibly hurt by the rocks]

Matchy: I am in massive pain.

Travis: I see. Anyways, we can go to the witch’s house now. Are you scared of this too, Callum?

Callum: N-no! Of course not!

[Mr. Renaud gets out of the house where a witch supposedly lives]

Mr. Renaud: I smell children!

Callum: AAARGH!

Mr. Renaud: Specifically, the distinct smell of Matchy’s underwear.

Matchy: Seriously?

Mr. Renaud: Matchy?

Travis: Your jacking off will make us…well…better not to mention it, and now we’ll probably get chased by Mr. Renaud or something!

Smooth voiceover: When will that classturbator learn?

Mr. Renaud: Good idea, Travis!

Matchy: TRAVIS!

Travis: This wouldn’t have happened had you not been jacking off!

Callum: Oh boy.

Matchy: Callum, this is YOUR fault! You convinced us to go here in the first place!

Callum: I just wanted to explore with my friends!

Travis: Where did you even hear about this forest?

Callum: My neighbor Cici mentioned it! He said he got a mattress from here!

Mr. Renaud: Hey, I sell mattresses! I need money to buy chi-uh, chips. I like chips.

Matchy: We need to get out of here!

Mr. Renaud: You can run, but you can’t hide!

Matchy: I can’t run! I am in pain from falling into a rocky lake!

Callum: I HATE YOU ALL!

Matchy: SAME!

Travis: AGREED!

Mr. Renaud: One two three GO!

[Mr. Renaud starts chasing the kids as they escape, they all jump over the lake as the chasing continues for a while]

Matchy: AARGH! It’s so hard to run like this!

Callum: Wait, I can hear someone…snoring!

[Loud snoring is heard]

Travis: Aren’t you hearing Matchy?

Matchy: I heard that!

Travis: I know.

Callum: Hmm… that snoring kinda sounds like my father’s!

Travis: Then let’s wake him up!

Callum: It’s hard to wake him up! But I have an idea!

Matchy: Which is?

Callum: You know, my father had a spouse, called EB! I will replicate his beautiful voice! [starts speaking with EB’s voice] Zoltan! I love you!

[Cut to Zoltan, who wakes up]

Zoltan: EB?!

[Callum, Travis, and Matchy run towards Zoltan’s voice]

Callum (speaking like EB): Where are you, my love?!

[Cut to Zoltan]

Zoltan: Here I am, master!

[Cut to Callum, Travis and Matchy running out of the woods]

Zoltan: EB?

Callum: Father!

Zoltan: What? Where’s EB?

Callum: Well…

[Mr. Renaud runs out of the woods]

Mr. Renaud: COME HERE!

Zoltan: Callum’s teacher?

Travis: Uh, Mr. Renaud was faking being EB!

Zoltan: WHAT?!

Mr. Renaud: TRAVIS!

Zoltan: I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!

[Zoltan starts beating Mr. Renaud up, but he manages to escape, as Zoltan chases him]

Callum: Well, good thinking, Travis. I’m going home.

Travis: Me too.

Matchy: I’ll tell my parents I slipped on a leaf.